I have come to the realization that no matter what I do I shall always end up in the same place. I just keep changing the place and the people, but it doesn’t change the situation. It doesn’t change how I feel.
I have decided to ignore the feelings that I feel just for a while and let the person that I am with be happy. For I know how that happiness feels like. At some point I’m going to have to speak my mind, but it doesn’t have to be now or anytime soon.
I hardly sleep as I don’t want to see the ghosts of the past which appear in my dreams. I immerse myself in whatever I am doing as to distract myself and I am slowly moving in reverse, hoping that I don’t have to say the things that I will have to say when it gets to that point.
Existential moment
That moment when you have an existential moment and realize that everything that has happened has been a fluke… a stroke of good luck, etc. etc. and that you have no idea what you want out of life but you keep being pushed in one direction… as if escape is futile.
I feel like a weakling, being pushed by a current that’s too strong. Desperate to escape, and yet I am resigning to my fate.
I do not know who I will become. I do not know how I will change. Yet in the end, after all these years, I have remained… pretty much the same.
The true me has been always lying here in plain view, for all to see. :)
Hungary Medical School Interview
Basically to summarize… I thought I was going to have a normal interview last night, but instead I got quizzed on biology and chemistry for 20 minutes and I was completely caught off-guard… all I know is that I was prepared to answer questions like “Why do you want to do medicine” not what’s “p(O2) and p(CO2)” and tell me about the cell membrane and glycolysis… Now I’m awake because I took a nap before hand and drank coffee… and now I’m gittery and too awake to sleep but also kinda tired… why just why =_=
Dream
And when the dust finally settled the world felt like a dream. A dreamland where no one was real, where each blade of grass whispered a secret. A secret that could slowly tear the world apart until it was nothingness once again.
This dream feels like looking through a mirror made of ice, slowly melting in my hands until the clarity that I once saw crumbled in my grasp, leaving nothing but the feeling of cold water on my palms.
Each day there is a new mirror, each day it melts away. Again and again it goes. Perhaps one day I will see without this vanishing mirror. Perhaps one day the blurry details will become more sharp. One day the ocean and the azure sky will look like two distinct layers on the horizon, not this overlapping mess that I now see. One day soon I hope I can see the true world with my own two eyes.
And when the time comes I will arrive at a place. I will not remember how I got there. It is a place where everything is just fine and the world spins. It is a where I can be the person I long to be, the person I might have been in the past. The person I see in dreams. The person that I can feel almost on my fingertips. The person that is somewhere here or somewhere there, hiding in the corners of my mind. Waiting, wanting, hoping… for the prime opportunity to at last emerge.
Confusion
All is left is confusion. I’m leaving but I’m also coming back. I’ve lost myself and I’m finding myself. It’s the end of an old chapter but the beginning of a new one. I’m moving on but not really. How many times has this happened? This is the second. Or is it?
The American Dream
I don’t understand anymore… this American Dream that my family cling so dearly to. I had it once myself and then lost it, and then found it again and then lost it again. I cannot comprehend why it’s such a vital concept. My brother is in the throes of the American Dream, he’s a true patriot… and I can only wonder if what he wants is realistic. It seems like an impossible dream. The American Dream. A dream of a place that existed oh so long ago. A place where schools were easy to get into, jobs were easy to come by. Now though, Ivy league schools are impossible to get into, no one is getting jobs, the economy is low… that’s what I see about America. I see people getting shot, I see children dying, I see cops shooting at innocents. Where has the old America gone? The country that was strong, that could fight, that could unite together so easily. Now it’s split by old ideals, ones that were meant to be replaced constantly, effortlessly. Now it’s a war on the homefront. Guns vs. no guns. That’s all I see. Look in front of you, just look. America needs a change, that’s all I see.
I want the American Dream.
Sun and the Moon
You and I,
We are like the sun and the moon.
One goes, another follows.
Forever in an endless loop.
But what would happen,
if the moon no longer was there
or if the sun no longer was there?
What would happen to the Earth?
Forever plunged into eternal darkness,
or forever havocked by freakish weather patterns,
Days and nights erratic.
They chase each other oh so very perfectly.
Almost eternally.
Infinite spins within infinite loops.
Infinite millionths of a second,
within infinite hours, days, years.
But what will happen when infinity ends?
When those uncountable millionths of a millisecond ends?
I do not want to know.
Letting Go
I look down into this blackless void. I can barely even make out what is at the edges of it. This circular bottomless pit is at the tip of my toes. Barefeet wiggling in the safe brown dirt covered with patches of grass. Nervousness tingles down my spine as I roll my neck, flex my hands, clench my feet. I stare ahead, standing straight like cardboard, untouched by the rain. Wondering if it is at all a good idea to free fall into this.
I have forgotten the one thing that attaches me to this world, a bungee cord. I do not know how long it is, but all I know is that the harness is flimsy. It may or may not break on the way down. I could even break it with my barehands if I wanted.
Exhale. Inhale. As I tilt forward I know there is just a small window of time to escape… but now that time has passed, it is far too late now. Blackness. All I sense is the howling of the wind. It feels like it is trying to reverse my movement and it leaves me with watering eyes.
Time is gone. Is it a few minutes or a few seconds? I do not know anymore. All I know is that it is getting cold, my limbs are aching, my mind is reeling. Panicking, tumbling, flailing, clawing at the wind. I realize that there is no longer a way to get to the surface. It is too late to have regret that I have done this. There is no going back to what was. This is what is, for now.
As I fall, head first, I feel a tingling sensation in my fingertips. A strange warmness working it’s way up to my arms, chest, head, legs, feet. I let go, eyes closed. I let my body become a ragdoll, letting gravity have it’s way with me. I breathe deeply for the first time since the beginning of this descent.
I feel the harness loosen, the threads slowing coming apart. It doesn’t worry me, it does not phase me. I have accepted what is to come, be it falling forever or inevitably crashing into a rock solid surface, a bone shattering experience.
I let myself tumble in the darkness, slowly fading in and out of existance. It is all darkness now.
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I want to say I started this off trying to make a metaphorical comparison of freefalling to committing to someone… but the metaphor got lost in the end of it, lol. Anyways, this is what commiting is, letting go of your fears and just going with the flow, embracing your fears and relaxing into whatever you’re commiting to.
Long Long time
Wow… it’s been a really long while. I don’t know why I haven’t written anything. A lot has been going on, and yet I don’t need to vent anymore. I really don’t know what to say.
I’ve found what I’ve been looking for, for now, I suppose. I’m satisfied, no longer looking for whatever it was I was looking for.
That and I’m really busy. I’m starting up my Extended Essay for IB, I’m working on my TOK essay as well and I’m going to London really soon. It’s as if everything is moving so quickly, when it’s not really.
I’ve done work experience. I’m volunteering at this awesome place called Questacon, and yea… I don’t know what else to say really. I’m in love with life and even though it still bothers me for a lot of attention, I have to say, it’s nice knowing it’s not out to get you.
That said, I’ve changed up a lot of things recently, all in a short period of time. I’ve chopped off my long hair, I’ve been doing more volunteer work, I’m finally starting to work on things I need to get done and I found… someone who has somehow, through a chain of very remarkable events, buried himself somewhere in the walls of my cranium (which sounds remarkably painful, but it wasn’t :P ). Also I’m starting to apply to Medical Universities and studying for UMAT.
Oh… and I stopped going to church. I just need more time for assessment work and what not. School… it’s very needy.
Lifetimes
Nothing ever stays the same. I may be called by the same name, I may look vaguely similar to who I once was, but I shall never be the same person in every instant of my life. You tell me I’m exactly like before, that who I am is just a repetition of what I used to be, do.
But let me tell you, it is not… I am not. You think I am the same, yet I have evolved. My mind has been marinating and maturing within this skull of mine. So don’t ever tell me that I’m the same as the past me.
I am not the same as the me from 5 seconds ago, or 5 years ago. Yet I am not the same me come 5 seconds in the future, or 5 years in the future. The only thing that is certain of who I am, is who I am at this very instant… which is constantly running into infinity.
So if you asked me who I am, I would fail to give you an answer. I am merely who I am, the person existing before you. In time I will be a corpse, rotting and decaying in some coffin… previously I merely did not exist, not even in imagination. Sure I can merely change my outward personality in a few moments, I could change my inward self within a day.
All I can tell you is my name, and definite facts about me that will never change.
