The Stargazer & The Wanderer

Letting Go

I look down into this blackless void. I can barely even make out what is at the edges of it. This circular bottomless pit is at the tip of my toes. Barefeet wiggling in the safe brown dirt covered with patches of grass. Nervousness tingles down my spine as I roll my neck, flex my hands, clench my feet. I stare ahead, standing straight like cardboard, untouched by the rain. Wondering if it is at all a good idea to free fall into this.

I have forgotten the one thing that attaches me to this world, a bungee cord. I do not know how long it is, but all I know is that the harness is flimsy. It may or may not break on the way down. I could even break it with my barehands if I wanted.

Exhale. Inhale. As I tilt forward I know there is just a small window of time to escape… but now that time has passed, it is far too late now. Blackness. All I sense is the howling of the wind. It feels like it is trying to reverse my movement and it leaves me with watering eyes.

Time is gone. Is it a few minutes or a few seconds? I do not know anymore. All I know is that it is getting cold, my limbs are aching, my mind is reeling. Panicking, tumbling, flailing, clawing at the wind. I realize that there is no longer a way to get to the surface. It is too late to have regret that I have done this. There is no going back to what was. This is what is, for now.

As I fall, head first, I feel a tingling sensation in my fingertips. A strange warmness working it’s way up to my arms, chest, head, legs, feet. I let go, eyes closed. I let my body become a ragdoll, letting gravity have it’s way with me. I breathe deeply for the first time since the beginning of this descent.

I feel the harness loosen, the threads slowing coming apart. It doesn’t worry me, it does not phase me. I have accepted what is to come, be it falling forever or inevitably crashing into a rock solid surface, a bone shattering experience.

I let myself tumble in the darkness, slowly fading in and out of existance. It is all darkness now.

———————————————

I want to say I started this off trying to make a metaphorical comparison of freefalling to committing to someone… but the metaphor got lost in the end of it, lol. Anyways, this is what commiting is, letting go of your fears and just going with the flow, embracing your fears and relaxing into whatever you’re commiting to.

Long Long time

Wow… it’s been a really long while. I don’t know why I haven’t written anything. A lot has been going on, and yet I don’t need to vent anymore. I really don’t know what to say.

I’ve found what I’ve been looking for, for now, I suppose. I’m satisfied, no longer looking for whatever it was I was looking for.

That and I’m really busy. I’m starting up my Extended Essay for IB, I’m working on my TOK essay as well and I’m going to London really soon. It’s as if everything is moving so quickly, when it’s not really.

I’ve done work experience. I’m volunteering at this awesome place called Questacon, and yea… I don’t know what else to say really. I’m in love with life and even though it still bothers me for a lot of attention, I have to say, it’s nice knowing it’s not out to get you.

That said, I’ve changed up a lot of things recently, all in a short period of time. I’ve chopped off my long hair, I’ve been doing more volunteer work, I’m finally starting to work on things I need to get done and I found… someone who has somehow, through a chain of very remarkable events, buried himself somewhere in the walls of my cranium (which sounds remarkably painful, but it wasn’t :P ). Also I’m starting to apply to Medical Universities and studying for UMAT.

Oh… and I stopped going to church. I just need more time for assessment work and what not. School… it’s very needy.

Lifetimes

Nothing ever stays the same. I may be called by the same name, I may look vaguely similar to who I once was, but I shall never be the same person in every instant of my life. You tell me I’m exactly like before, that who I am is just a repetition of what I used to be, do.

But let me tell you, it is not… I am not. You think I am the same, yet I have evolved. My mind has been marinating and maturing within this skull of mine. So don’t ever tell me that I’m the same as the past me.

I am not the same as the me from 5 seconds ago, or 5 years ago. Yet I am not the same me come 5 seconds in the future, or 5 years in the future. The only thing that is certain of who I am, is who I am at this very instant… which is constantly running into infinity.

So if you asked me who I am, I would fail to give you an answer. I am merely who I am, the person existing before you. In time I will be a corpse, rotting and decaying in some coffin… previously I merely did not exist, not even in imagination. Sure I can merely change my outward personality in a few moments, I could change my inward self within a day.

All I can tell you is my name, and definite facts about me that will never change.

The Best Thing

If I were to say this is the best thing that has ever occurred,

I’m not exactly reassured

that this actually is.

Because honestly I haven’t lived that long,

and yet it seems like I have been going strong,

But all along

I have been lost in the world.

If I were to say that this was,

well yes during this pause,

it is indeed.

Been gone a while, haven’t I

Sorry if I haven’t posted as often as I should, however I have been swamped with assessment. I have good news though… I guess. I’m making a radio drama! I’m not going to disclose any details as it is to air in the city I currently reside in, however, hopefully (crosses fingers) I will be able to make podcasts out of them! It’ll be a short radio drama though and if all goes well I might even make another!

As for more creativeness I have been doing…. I have been writing a monologue/soliloquy for Jane Austen’s book, Emma, for my english class. Honestly I dislike the book, and I haven’t been able to even finish it. It’s like a brick. To Jane Austen fans, I am sorry if I offend. However, I dislike reading books that waffle on and on and on. Waffle books are not books I enjoy spending my time reading, and that is the truth.

However, I did manage to finish John Green’s book, The Fault in Our Stars in less than definitely 18 hours (when I mean less than I mean I couldn’t be bothered to calculate how much time it took for me to sleep or eat or have class, but I know I read it really quickly). It made me cry four times in thirty minutes and I generally do not cry (unless if it was the end of the Eragon cycle or one of my favorite characters died in Harry Potter).

If I was to review the book I’d give it a 5/5 because it was SO GOOD. READ IT I TELL YOU! It’ll bring laughter, tears and you will want to read it again because I definitely do. Unfortunately I have let one of my friends borrow it, so I cannot… until another friend of mine reads it… which probably means I will not be in it’s presence until a month or so from now (sighs)… that and a third person wants to read it, but the person is a he… so I’m not quite sure how well he’ll take the book… :P

And you (John Green) do have typos in the first chapter of The Fault in Our stars… that or you actually meant to say lo…

——

The Vagabond

Weakness

The pitch black darkness is overwhelming as I stare at my whitewashed ceiling, remembering where each little fault is and scanning my eyes over where they ought to be. A ceiling that is almost perfect, except for an inexplicable dark streak on it. White against Black, Pure against Impure, light against darkness.

To think there could be so much metaphorical context in just a ceiling and a dark streak on it. To think that such opposite thoughts could originate from one object.

To unravel what truly lies within, that is much more difficult to discover. What clashes with what, what keeps one awake at night, what instills dread and fear in the soul. To find one’s true weakness and exterminate it. It is no easy feat.

Nervous smile

That nervous smile plastered to your face like signs glued and stapled onto poles. I’m not quite sure that they should be there, but it’s nice to see them anyways. It’s just like seeing that goofy smile and a blush.

The Storm

And when all the world seems lost, to you at least, there is, perhaps, a glimmer in the distant horizon. That is not at all visible to you, not yet at least. You subconsciously know that that shiny goodness is there… somewhere out there, but you’re too absorbed in moping and dwelling in the darkness to realize it and perhaps when you finally do it is long gone.

Or at least that’s what I believe when I look at people so dismayed at merely existing. They don’t realize that there is something out there worth living for, or if they do, they merely don’t want to acknowledge how good the world can be at times even when the world decides to drop a dark anvil upon your head and give you a concussion that blocks out all the glimmering goodness.

Of all the people I have seen, perhaps you are the bleakest. It’s not as if you are bleak all the time. In fact you can be quite happy, but your happiness is fleeting and your dark thoughts overwhelm.

A peace before the storm. A never ending storm that varies from soul ripping winds to calm drizzles, that is what you are. And I have never seen such a someone quite like you. Someone who can agonize over all those details of their self, find every imperfection and fall victim to them even though you know you could do better. That you can do better.

I have never seen such a storm quite like yours.

Valentine’s Day (for the singles)

Ugh Valentine’s Day how I hate thee.

Not because of a fat baby with a bow and arrow that causes people to fall in love.

It’s because I’ve been shot at so many times I can’t remember.

Pulling out several arrows as I run.

Becoming blind with love, and stumbling in the darkness.

And suddenly seeing the light again, stunned by the clarity and brightness.

Wishing to return to the darkness, like a mole.

Cupid, stay away from me!

Otherwise you’ll have a death wish set upon you!

Trust me, you’ve seen my good, my bad, and my ugly side!

Wait till you’ve seen my violent side, boy don’t mess with me!

If you dare come any closer you’ll feel my mighty wrath!

Just shoot other lonely people for once.

The ones who never had a love.

The dateless ones,

Who wait.

Like my friend who only caught the cruel wind as an arrow passed.

What about her? Shouldn’t you make her baffled with love sickness?

Not I, the foolish romantic who thought love was wonderful.

Who realized otherwise when I received a swing to the face, and when I stood back up a punch to the gut, crumpled in the dust.

Some say better to have loved then never loved at all.

I’d prefer to have waited, for the pain is far too much for a mere teenager like myself.

You’ve confounded me, duped me, caused me to be so… elated, so joyful, so happy… only to fall down so hard.

Is it to teach me to be stronger? Or to teach me to be less of a fool?

Or perhaps it is just karmic revenge?

You have some mighty problems my friend Cupid.

Pull up a chair, I’d like to hear your story for once.

How you’ve gotten into the habit of shooting people.

Why you enjoy causing people so much…

Happiness and pain.

Perhaps you can solve your own problems.

Don’t you have a love to attend to?

A special someone?

If not, don’t you feel slightly sad when you see those happy couples and think,

“I wish I had that”?

Why don’t you shoot yourself for once?

See what happens,

The before and after.

Perhaps when you come back to reality,

You’ll realize you were a bit crazy,

But still doing the right thing.

Or perhaps take a break?

Let someone else,

Hold the bow,

For once.

————

This is what I thought of Valentine’s day last year.